Driving out of my comfort zone

When I was six years ago I went through a extremely traumatic event. My mother had a seizure disorder. At the time it was controlled by medications and she was able to drive and do many things without any incident. However one day, my life and the life of my siblings took a drastic turn. We were traveling from Kearns to Holladay to visit my aunt. We were on the freeway when one of my greatest fears became a reality. My mother went into a grand-mall seizure while driving. We were on the freeway. I was sitting next to her. I immediately stood up and attempted to release my mothers tight grasp from the wheel. She was convulsing violently. My brother and sister who were in the back seat jumped in front to try to help. I was trying to also control the wheel to keep us from hitting other cars. My sister took a hold of my mothers hands and I had the wheel. I over corrected and we ended up underneath a semi. I was screaming for my brother. He slipped behind me after my sister pulled my mother out of the drivers seat and my brother was then able to get his  feet to the pedals. He then had to release my tight and terrified grasp. He veered us from underneath the semi to the lane next to the semi I am not sure what happened after as much of what happened became a blur. The next thing I remember is being parked next to the guard rail and all of us kids sobbing. My mother finally came to, and had no clue what had just taken place. When we thought she was able to drive we allowed her to drive us back home. We arrived home and she pulled in to the driveway only to have started seizing once more. She put on the gas and we ended up hitting the back part of the railing of our split level home which led to our basement. That was the last day my mother drove anywhere and the day that changed my life.

The years went by, I turned sixteen, went through drivers ed training, I struggled to obtain my license as I had severe anxiety behind the drivers seat. Everyone just thought it was typical nerves, but it was something so much deeper for me. It wasn't until I moved to Alaska that I recognized my issue of my driving anxiety. I started a new job working for a company that helped individuals with developmental disabilities. It was part of my job to drive clients to and from Dr appointments and shopping. When I got home from work, I would go to bed and have reoccurring nightmares about my childhood experience. I thought at that time that it was simply a terrifying dream. I wasn't able to sleep because of the dreams. I talked to my sister about being absolutely exhausted and drained and about my panic attacks before having to drive my clients. She then told me that it wasn't just a dream. I had apparently blocked that out of my mind for many years. Ever since I have made every attempt to avoid ever driving. Anytime anybody tried to help me overcome my fear I was panicked. I became physically ill. Whenever I applied for jobs they were always close to wherever I lived. I walked everywhere. I biked and did everything to ever avoid getting a car. Yes, it has been economical, but at the same time disabling for me. I can't just jump in a car and drive. Well, it is time that I quit allowing my fears to dictate what I do in my life. My fiancee Roland has been incredibly supportive, but also knows how important it is to me to overcome my fear. This summer will be my time for change. This girl is getting behind the drivers seat. I'm tired of being dependent on others. It is my time to gain control over my fear. I am terrified, but at the same time I am ready to conquer this fear. I will keep you all posted on my journey.